Somewhere deep in the coding of my male brain is an aversion to receiving help. An allergic reaction to assistance that generally causes a nasty case of prideful arrogance and embarrassment.
Sure, it’s kind of funny when it’s refusal to ask for directions as I take the scenic route or a stoic resolve to assemble some out-of-the-box gizmo without the instructions. But, generally speaking the silent agreement of men is there’s something “wrong” with asking for help. Asking for help is an admission you need it, which is interpreted as weak. So we stay ‘strong’ and push on through gritted teeth.
Or, the pendulum swings way out the other side where we know we do need help which means we are already beyond hope and have failed somehow – just as certain to refuse assistance.
We refuse help either because we are convinced we don’t need it, or because we are convinced we do and have therefor failed.
In either case the result is a hardening of heart and an isolation from intimacy with everyone including those we love and care for.
How “help-able” are you? (I know, it’s not a word!)
How we do anything is how we do everything.
The deeper issue here is an agreement about our value and our belief which subconsciously sets the rules of engagement for life in general. Not receiving help can run into not receiving love, money, health, passion – you name it.
We aren’t prepared to receive any more than we believe we are worth or believe we have earned. And since the default setting is something like I am not enough then we must earn every crumb. Consider we are wired to accept only what we believe we deserve.
Until you are prepared to make new agreements regarding your value and beliefs, nothing more than what you sub consciously have agreed you ‘deserve’ will make it through to you.
So am I supposed to just sit here and materialize my desires from some new transcendent state? … No. This is not wishy-washy or mystical. It’s practical. There will be hard work and action is critical. But, action is derived from belief so we must work there too.
Because you are a force for good; fearfully and wonderfully made with a unique and critical contribution to make.
A key is not in the effort expended, but the purpose of your striving.
Get things moving again
Getting unstuck can be tricky. What you resist persists and often that stuck feeling can easily become the focus in a sort of closed loop that holds you in place.
A couple of practical ideas to get things going again.
- Firstly, stop. Give yourself a break and breathe. You are exactly where you need to be.
- Try a new activity where you have little to no experience and will need to accept the role of student and receive help.
- Move your body! Even going for a walk has loads of benefits for your mind and will lift your mood and make you more creative.
- Derive your values. Easier said than done but the process is assisted by asking yourself a few key questions during a quiet time in a contemplative posture.:
- Think of a key moment that really stands out that you were joyful. What was going on at the time and what value were you honouring?
- Think of a key moment that really stands out that you were upset. What was going on at the time and what value were you supressing?